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Another Day/NGADM + Lyfe iz h4rd

2014-08-24 13:06:47 by DamienFleisch

I haven't made a news post in a while so it feels appropriate, and this is probably going to turn into some sort of life rant, because mine is a little upside down right now (by my own doing), so if you stick around and read the whole thing: Thank you.

First, I just wanna say that I'm super stoked to be a part of NGADM this year and hope I make it through to the next round. I tend to lurk on the forums and not leave a lot of reviews because even on the internet I'm kind of shy, but I have been listening and damn there is some amazing music coming out on this site right now. It is really a damn shame that I get the impression from older users that the portal is fading, because this really seems to me to be one of the best music communities on the net, especially in terms of quality and being an actual community.

So here is where it becomes kind of rant-y and self pitying: basically, I think I'm going through some sort of bildungsroman-esque period of self discovery for like the 8 billionth time. And I can't tell if this is making it really hard to get inspiration or I'm about to crank out some powerful music. Basically, I finished my MFA in North Carolina back in May and moved back home with to New York. I eventually started feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere at home, so I peaced out and bought a one way plane ticket to Arizona to be with my girlfriend for a few weeks and maybe find a job there. Now I'm on a week long trip to LA, that I sloppily planned, to network and maybe find a job here. And if not, then go back to AZ and capitalize on some oppurtunities over there. But I'm sitting in this kinda crappy hotel room in LA right now asking myself "What the hell am I doing?" and I think that what it comes down to is that I have no effing clue what to do with my life.

I guess that this is the pitfall of music, the make or break period in my life. I've spent all this time in school and had some great opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise. But in the end they basically just hand you a piece of paper and say "Now go do something!" and I'm sitting here like "Do what??" ...I knew a long time ago that's how school would end, but I don't think any amount of preperation can brace you for the reality of it. Do I come here to LA and bust my ass for someone else in hopes that someday he/she throws me a bone and I can go out and start my own career as a media composer? Or do I go wherever the hell I want and bust my ass (probably even harder) to build my own career from the ground up on my own terms? What if I start teaching? And god damn I would love to be performing again! The options seem endless, and exciting, and so indescribably intimidating all at once and sometimes it feels motivating, and other times it's paralyzing. Fuck me, I'm such a confused mess right now! But you know what? In the last 24 hours I've had two complete strangers tell me to stick with it and it'll happen. That has to be a sign, right?

If you're still reading this, then I have to say thank you. In the end, I'm really just trying to rationalize my own worries and insecurities that I can't seem to shake no matter how hard I try. And now part of me says "Well, you got it off your chest, now delete it!" but I also want to hit Submit and see what happens. Maybe that's the next step for me, to stop writing things out and then deleting them. Sure, this whole thing might be angsty and stupid and I'm probably too old to be acting like this. But fuck it. It's time to stop hiding from the world, and being so guarded all the time. Once again, thank you if you read all that. It means a lot to me.

My best wished to all, and best of luck to my bracket-mates. It's really anyones game at this point.



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2014-08-26 01:12:57

Read this a couple days ago, and waited to figure out what I could possibly say and I still don't have a clue. Whatever I do say will not amount to much I'm sure. I know if I was in your situation with moving constantly and sitting in a hotel, I'd be wondering the same thing. Shit, I can stay in one area my whole entire life and still not know how things will play out exactly. I have ideas, but really I have no clue what will actually happen because a lot of it is out of my control. People call it luck, but I don't believe in luck. People can say they make their own luck, but really, there's a lot I cannot make up of my own. Speaking plainly here as I'm just thinking out loud... I've learned to let go of expectations. My identity cannot possibly be in what I do nor what I haven't done. Nor is it in music either. What it is in, is beyond me. speaking in a literal sense.

DamienFleisch responds:

Thank you for reading, man. Even if you feel it's not much, a little bit of commiseration goes a long way. I absolutely feel what you are saying about things not being completely in our control. At some point you have to put the ball in someone else's court and hope for the best. For me, it's a very difficult thing to do and I think for most people it is too. Especially for those of us in the entertainment industry, so many people in this line of work have their careers made because of someone else. There are very few truly self made entertainers out there. We just have to persevere, no matter what. That's what this comes down to. When I think about it this whole post was mostly me working through one of those moments where I wanted to give up. But, in the end I'm sticking it out, like always. It's gotta pay off some day....I hope :P


2014-09-06 10:01:57

I'm reading this like "wow, this situation sounds really familiar with what I'm going through" and then I go to the bottom and I read the name. "..... NO WAY"


In all seriousness though, I haven't quite hit the same point as you, but I know pretty well how you feel. I have three months left before I graduate and even though I'm in a co-op school which I figured would help me decide what would be the best job as a mechanical engineer and after four years I'm sitting here going, "I have no clue what I want to do now."

I would love to perform and make music like I'm making right now for a living, but that's going to be rough at least, but then I'm going to be having a degree as an engineer and I feel like I should at least do something relevant to the field that put me in massive amounts of debt in the first place. So now I'm thinking Navy.

I'm glad you put this out, although I don't think I can say anything that could give valuable advice since I'm going through that stage right now.
Also, best of luck at the contest.

-Another Kyle-