I haven't made a news post in a while so it feels appropriate, and this is probably going to turn into some sort of life rant, because mine is a little upside down right now (by my own doing), so if you stick around and read the whole thing: Thank you.
First, I just wanna say that I'm super stoked to be a part of NGADM this year and hope I make it through to the next round. I tend to lurk on the forums and not leave a lot of reviews because even on the internet I'm kind of shy, but I have been listening and damn there is some amazing music coming out on this site right now. It is really a damn shame that I get the impression from older users that the portal is fading, because this really seems to me to be one of the best music communities on the net, especially in terms of quality and being an actual community.
So here is where it becomes kind of rant-y and self pitying: basically, I think I'm going through some sort of bildungsroman-esque period of self discovery for like the 8 billionth time. And I can't tell if this is making it really hard to get inspiration or I'm about to crank out some powerful music. Basically, I finished my MFA in North Carolina back in May and moved back home with to New York. I eventually started feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere at home, so I peaced out and bought a one way plane ticket to Arizona to be with my girlfriend for a few weeks and maybe find a job there. Now I'm on a week long trip to LA, that I sloppily planned, to network and maybe find a job here. And if not, then go back to AZ and capitalize on some oppurtunities over there. But I'm sitting in this kinda crappy hotel room in LA right now asking myself "What the hell am I doing?" and I think that what it comes down to is that I have no effing clue what to do with my life.
I guess that this is the pitfall of music, the make or break period in my life. I've spent all this time in school and had some great opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise. But in the end they basically just hand you a piece of paper and say "Now go do something!" and I'm sitting here like "Do what??" ...I knew a long time ago that's how school would end, but I don't think any amount of preperation can brace you for the reality of it. Do I come here to LA and bust my ass for someone else in hopes that someday he/she throws me a bone and I can go out and start my own career as a media composer? Or do I go wherever the hell I want and bust my ass (probably even harder) to build my own career from the ground up on my own terms? What if I start teaching? And god damn I would love to be performing again! The options seem endless, and exciting, and so indescribably intimidating all at once and sometimes it feels motivating, and other times it's paralyzing. Fuck me, I'm such a confused mess right now! But you know what? In the last 24 hours I've had two complete strangers tell me to stick with it and it'll happen. That has to be a sign, right?
If you're still reading this, then I have to say thank you. In the end, I'm really just trying to rationalize my own worries and insecurities that I can't seem to shake no matter how hard I try. And now part of me says "Well, you got it off your chest, now delete it!" but I also want to hit Submit and see what happens. Maybe that's the next step for me, to stop writing things out and then deleting them. Sure, this whole thing might be angsty and stupid and I'm probably too old to be acting like this. But fuck it. It's time to stop hiding from the world, and being so guarded all the time. Once again, thank you if you read all that. It means a lot to me.
My best wished to all, and best of luck to my bracket-mates. It's really anyones game at this point.